Uchiyama Yuua (内山結愛/RAY) — IDOL AND READ 030 interview translation (part two)

Part two of Uchiyama Yuua’s interview! You can find part one here.

What do you think attracted you so much to idols in the end?
Live performances are so much fun, but the members I met are a huge part, and the fans are the biggest reason I love it. The comings and goings of members is quite intense. There were 9 of us at the beginning and it ended with 3. Every time I developed “goodbye allergies” and I was so sad when someone left. Fans are so saddened by the members leaving but it’s also painful for us. So I wanted to keep going for the fans. I loved the music too, I’m grateful I really like our songs!

It’s quite different from Nishino Kana, isn’t it (laughs).
Somehow, that’s where my taste in music changed. I didn’t know about shoegaze or anything before, but before I realised it, I’d fallen in love with that kind of band sound. The music I usually listened to changed. It’s amazing really, so many things have changed in my life.

Did you have a sense of the person you were turning into?
I did. There were people who liked me even though I was anonymous, who supported me so passionately, and it’s the first time I’ve had the experience of being loved properly. It was comfortable for me. It made me want to take good care of that precious feeling.

And from then on, it changed to RAY.
When it was decided that my previous group would disband, I was insanely sad. I don’t like things ending or someone leaving. I hate making people sad and I felt I always wanted to stay there. Eventually there were 3 of us left, and there were rumours management were going to create a new group and take over the music as well. I had some regrets. At first, I decided to stay in RAY just for the music.

The decisive difference was that you could show your face and use your personal name. How did you feel about that?
I was scared. I was worried about what to do if I felt ugly. At live concerts I thought, “What? Why should anyone see me?” And then everyone did. I felt like I was really naked and for about a year I didn’t really know how to manage those feelings.

Have you changed anything other than pushing through and using your name?
“This is a job.” My previous group was really fun, like an extension of my friends. And because of that there were some good parts and bad parts because it wasn’t demarcated properly. RAY are also my good friends, but when I’m on, I’m “on”, and when we hang out, I’m “off.” I switch mode quickly. Since being in RAY, I have the role of writing goals and reflections for us before and after each concert. I’m not a leader, but the way that we manage concerts has become different since we became RAY. I’m always serious about what we could do to improve our performance. I was serious before of course, but I thought about it as separate from myself. If you are “Uchiyama Yuua”, people can see how you look, what you want to express, and you don’t do anything that goes against your morals. I feel that from this is a desire to take responsibility and ownership.

You continue your idol activities and go to university at the same time. What are you studying at university?
Psychology. I’ve loved psychology since I was in elementary school.

Oh, that relates to the dream analysis we mentioned earlier.
That’s right. I’ve loved reading since elementary school too, and I also read ordinary novels, but when I go to Book Off [a chain of secondhand bookstores] I buy psychology books at random. Knowing that I could also major in it at university, I thought it would be absolutely fascinating. I can apply it to human relationships, and I decided to learn psychology because it seemed to make sense.

So this is the true identity of “Nemunemu University, Nemunemu Facility” that appears in your blog. (laughs)
Ahaha! Yes! (laughs)

Returning to RAY, Coronavirus struck the world just after you got off to a good start in 2019, full of new and exciting feelings.
It was hell. I love the live concerts, and I had a lot of frustration that we couldn’t hold them. Despite all of this, funds were still needed to help support the group, so I proactively proposed selling goods. Rather than resting at home, I ended up with too much work to do at home, and made all the members do the same. It was like prisoners working in a prison (laughs).

Doodling on t-shirts, and that kind of thing? (laughs)
That’s right, I also created a dangerous t-shirt design and was told that it was psychopathic (laughs).

The first RAY one-man was also held during the pandemic.
Yes, it was without an audience but I was really happy we could finally perform live.

Going back in the timeline a bit, you started writing your blog every Friday from around May 2019 when RAY started.
That’s right. I started when I stood in front of people as “Uchiyama Yuua.”

Did you feel a desire to communicate something?
I guess I wanted to write a sentence or two, maybe.

Even in a recent online interview, you said “Because human beings are creatures that forget everything sooner or later, we want to leave something in the form of words.”
Hahaha! But really, the fear of being forgotten or the sudden disappearance of something messes me up. Maybe I experienced too many farewells in my previous group, and while I’m not traumatised, I wonder if I’m a bit scared.

And when did you start DJing?
The very first time I DJ’d was in the previous group, but I started doing it properly just before RAY’s announcement. At first I didn’t really understand it. But then I got really into it, and I’m regularly contacted about DJ events, even historical events related to shoegaze! It was meant to be.

For “Total Feedback.”
Yes. That’s when I thought I wanted to learn about music properly, and from this point my disc/CD reviews started.

Your “disc review note” is when you write album reviews regardless of genre weekly, such as alternative, metal, punk, emo, noise, visual kei, etc., as well as shoegaze. [Yuua’s album reviews are here]
That’s right. At first after the DJ events, I was keeping a notebook of a release and recording it once a week, but I started “one album per day” from around February. Melon-chan, our music director, said I should try to increase my input of music. Listening to one album a day was a challenge but I felt like I should do it and got really fired up about it.

I appear mild mannered. But I mess up on a daily basis. I think there is a part of me where anger is vital and it drives me.

And then in 2021, that “I don’t want to say goodbye” that you’d been fearing happened in February. [Shirakawa Sayaka graduated from RAY in February 2021]
Yeah. I hadn’t heard it from her directly, but I’d been able to sense it. That’s why I said to Saya-chan, “Tell me anything.” I had a feeling that I wanted to stop her, or do something about it, so I tried to manage the situation by myself. I couldn’t change it in the end, but if Saya-chan thought it’s time, then it was time.

Five months later, a new member joined, However, she was older than yourself.
I was a bit surprised too. Initially it was a bit painful to say “someone new” and I was worried about whether the group dynamics would change. However, she has experience as an idol and she’s older. Considering this, I thought our group would change positively and we were all enthusiastic.

And that feeling grew, right?
So much. I’m so glad I met (Kotoyama) Shizuku-chan. I love her. She is older but we feel the same age. RAY can be pretty melancholy (laughs). Saya-chan was like the sun, but I thought Shizuku-chan would use RAY as a different vector. The air in the group is great right now. I hate changes in the environment, but I think I’m quick to adapt (laughs).

And from here, amazing things happened in quick succession. “Regignation” was used at the opening of NHK’s Shibuya Note, and Kusano Masamune played “Slide” on the radio.
Yeah, I was so surprised. Initially I was like “Eh, really? Spitz?” When I saw Kusano’s tweet, I said “What? This must be a lie!” and when I listened to the radio, I was like “Omg! I’m really hearing RAY!” Some people came to see us because we were on the radio and it was fantastic.

How about Shibuya Note? [a music program that used to broadcast on NHK on Sundays]
Again, I was so surprised. I recorded it, but when I watched it in real time I thought, “What? The guests are bowing to our song! What’s happening?” (laughs)

It didn’t feel like your own song, right?
Nope. It didn’t feel like ours at all. It was an amazing experience.

You also have a solo song, “Y”, that was reviewed excellently in various places. RAY originally started with the premise that everyone would do a solo, is that right?
Yes. When beginning RAY, it was said that “overwhelming soloness” was one of our concepts. We’re in a group all the time, by having this “overwhelming soloness” it could allow each of us to do something different.

Until this, you were in an “overwhelming collective” (laughs)
Yes, haha. When I started in RAY, I was decisive: “There is nothing I want to do alone, I don’t want to go solo, I want to be in a group.” RAY’s concept includes crowdfunding so that it enables members to do what they want to do, and I set up a crowdfunder on collections for the first time. Initially, I was like “I don’t want to do this, but I’ll do it.” But when I knew what I wanted to do with my own musical direction, I had my original solo song. I love singing and I discovered something that I actually did want to do solo.

2021 was a year where things moved suddenly. There was a sad event in which a member graduated, but there was also a miraculous encounter with a new member.
I’m really blessed with luck and encounters. My mother always says, “Don’t forget to be thankful.” I am.

I think that your efforts blossom from this sentiment.
Really, I’m so glad and thankful for everything.

However, your motto is “Anger is the driving force”, isn’t it? If you continue like this, your anger will disappear (laughs).
I think I come across as really mild-mannered. Saying that, I don’t think it’s too much to get angry or show emotions to people. I don’t want to lose. I think there are many parts of me where anger is vital, and it drives me.

So what have you been angry about lately?
I’m angry every day (laughs). But for now, I just want to be active without forgetting to thank the people around me, and I want them to stay on board with good feelings. I want to keep quality in mind, rather than quantity.