My favourite idol, KOTO, is retiring on 29 April 2021 after a truly wonderful career. I’m so thankful for everything she has given us. This post doesn’t give any factual information on KOTO, but I wanted to share something meaningful to commemorate her retirement.
I first saw KOTO-chan live on a Sunday morning in November 2015. I wandered through Shinjuku’s red-light district of Kabukicho, surrounded by giggling women leaving host clubs with their colleagues, and being politely accosted by well-dressed men with Johnny’s haircuts hoping to score a prospective client for the coming quiet slog of the evening. Kabukicho at 10 o’clock on a Sunday morning was the embodiment of heavy, sleepy eyelids. And I couldn’t help but wonder if I was in the right place — was this were I was going to finally see KOTO-chan for the first time?
The venue sign was tiny. Blink and you’d miss it. I think I walked past it about three times. The venue itself was tiny. To be frank, I was a little freaked out. I was way too close to the stage than I was used to at any other live event or gig I’d been to, everybody was. It was far too early to drink alcohol to steady any nerves of feeling (literally) foreign in a new place, so I stood awkwardly with a radioactive melon soda, sticking out like a sore thumb as I always did at shows. I felt strangely nervous through the first couple of acts. I didn’t know what to expect, what the quality of the live show would be like, what KOTO would be like, how the people around me would react. I soon learned that at these live events with several groups, there’s a rotating group at the front who take their place dutifully before their favourite act comes on. Before KOTO came on, I stood stock still at the back, but I was conflicted. Should I be there? I don’t really want to be at the front. But I want to show my support… Visibly showing your support is a huge deal at smaller idol shows and it would have felt weird to come all this way into the city and not do ANYTHI — my overactive train of thought was cut short when KOTO took to the stage. I was utterly transfixed. It was fifteen minutes of sheer synth chaos, this unbelievably tiny ball of energy dancing and singing with such precision, never missing a beat. I felt compelled to move to the front. I wish I could find the words to properly describe the feeling of seeing that one idol right in front of you, the one whose songs you’ve only heard through headphones and watched on a screen. It is so surreal. It’s a feeling I never, ever took for granted.
Bobbing along at the front of the crowd, I was caught up in the energy of those around me. It was infectious. Initially I was very much sized up by those around me, who all seemed to be young to middle-aged men — not in a creepy way (and I will maintain always that I was never made to feel uncomfortable at idol shows), but in a cautious way. Is she taking this seriously? Is she here to poke fun? Does she really understand what’s happening in this venue? Does she really care about this little underground idol so much, and why the hell does she know all the words to Platonic Planet? After a couple of songs, I must have made myself worthy enough to earn a fully-fledged nudge to the front and a lot of enthusiastic pointing in my direction. KOTO looked at me and waved with a big beaming smile, and I knew I was suckered in forever.
To try and pin down exactly why I loved KOTO so much, or why I was so drawn to her, would be to try and unpick why I’ve been drawn to idols since I was in my early teens. The very simple answer is: I don’t know. In straightforward terms, 14-year-old me would see Berryz Kobo and C-ute and see something aspirational there, an ideal, but not one that ever made me feel lacking or lesser. It was fun. It was different to any other kind of entertainment I had available to me in Scotland, which made it feel special and secretive. It had a vaulted sense of awareness, that even my moody teenage self managed to clock as not taking itself overly seriously, which was freeing. It had little to prove and everything to present. And I love catchy pop music. When I consider the journey I’ve been on with idols ever since, almost all of these elements are present in the acts I’ve enjoyed over the years. With KOTO-chan, this sense of fun, musical style, spectacle, aesthetic all crystallised into this neat little 147cm package of joy.
Yes, that’s the word: joy. I was fully on-board the KOTO train, and for the first time (I guess I had been into idols for about 8–9 years at this point) I got it. I understood that seemingly zany dedication to an idol or a group, and why fans would sit through what was basically the same setlist week after week, and it would still feel magical. During shows with multiple groups, I could not believe that everyone wasn’t here to see KOTO. Like, how is this not the best thing you’ve seen all day?! It was such a fantastic feeling. Her fanbase was small but dedicated, I saw the same faces each time and we would greet each other as familiar friends. I cannot thank KOTO’s fans enough for making me feel so welcome.
Being able to speak with her afterwards at the goods stand was so lovely. I talked a lot with her about how many people overseas enjoyed her music and presence, which seemed to make her genuinely happy. Each conversation was different and I learned this was a key part of the underground idol scene here. I would overhear her enthusiastic fans asking her about her future plans, her training and dancing, what she ate at the weekend, with the same quiet affection as an older relative would. It’s well-acknowledged that idol fans enjoy seeing idols develop, hone their skills and reach milestones — very much in the vein of the old ‘If you work hard, you can achieve your dreams!’ adage, but seeing it played out (and to an extent, being very much a part of) and materialise throughout an idol’s career. Speaking only for myself, I can see the aspirational elements that I pinpointed in my old Hello! Project days, and for a person like me there is a real appeal and comfort in seeing someone realise their dreams and goals. I just hadn’t realised seeing it play out in front of me would feel so palpable, nor that the feeling of sharing in a pure way someone else’s successes would be a huge motivating factor in my own life.
A highlight of my KOTO-live-attending days was Tokyo Idol Festival 2016 at the beginning of August. Anyone who has been in Japan in the summer will tell you that It Is Hell. It is Truly Hell. I’m from Scotland, so anything over 20 degrees is always a novelty, but this was next level for me. I spent the day wandering around the unconventional area of Odaiba (an odd mix of corporate, retail and wide open space on a ‘floating island’ adjacent to where I used to work) trying not to pass out from heat stroke, ingesting as much Pocari Sweat as my body would feasibly allow and tying a towel around my head, which made no difference as my black hair simply absorbs heat. I was also keenly aware that this had been my dream event for years since I found that such a festival existed. Basically, when I realised KOTO was going to be on the Sky Stage, which is perched atop a building giving the performers the gorgeous backdrop of the sky, I withered away thinking about the MAXIMUM SUN EXPOSURE and PEAK EXCITEMENT I was about to endure. But it was worth it! For KOTO-chan!
I noticed a few familiar faces start to make their way up to the Sky Stage, with a silent acknowledgment of the trying conditions but also very, very excited. The buzz was unlike anything I’d experienced before at her lives.
The main thing I noticed this time around was the sheer volume of people. To an extent that was expected, at such a well-attended event like this. But it was what people were saying that was so special. That KOTO-chan was the unexpected gem of this day of the festival; she was the one you should make an effort to see; people coming along to see if she was all she was cracked up to be. Naturally, she did not disappoint. It was an electrifying performance, made all the more impressive by her effort in the August heat. Honestly, the way she would just throw herself into the song was so fascinating to watch every time. I felt so proud then. I’m not shy to talk about how moved I was by moments like this, because for once I truly felt part of a community, which has been a bit of a rarity in my life for a number of reasons.
KOTO has endless achievements to be proud of: a hit song and video that managed to penetrate the Tumblr-sphere for a while, a hugely catchy and well-crafted back catalogue of synthy goodness, (in my view) unparalleled stage presence, a very sweet fanbase… am I sad she is retiring? Of course I am. But I think she has had an idol career that has made an indelible mark on her contemporaries, one that (I hope) has allowed her to achieve her dreams in this regard, and maintained her reputation as being an absolute sweetheart, for very good reason. This day comes in every idol fan’s life, but I’m grateful we can face this day knowing that KOTO gave nothing but her very best and I hope has no regrets. I wish her nothing but the best in the future, as all of her fans will, and I will always be so thankful to KOTO-chan for giving me a home when I needed it the most. They’ve been part of my life for far too long for me to ever fully jump ship, and I will always love idols in some shape or form at any given time, but KOTO’s retirement marks the closing of a chapter that I cannot imagine any other idol reopening. But of course, that’s what makes her so special.
いつもありがとう、KOTOちゃん。エリスより💖
